Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No