I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
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Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?