My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
You Might Also Like
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when