Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
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I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I feel it
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.