Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

How it started How it’s going

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

What kind of car does a sheep drive?

A Lamborghini.

Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.