5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
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It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
never ask a starfish for directions
His flabber was gasted 😂
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?