Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
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Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
#NoRestForTheWicked
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!