ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
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I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I put the h in mysterious.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
This one, by a wide margin
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites