Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)