Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.

2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.

3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!

4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!

My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!

Weirdly Wednesday.

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white