Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
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me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit