Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

Dumplings,

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

What’s this sorcery? 😂

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

Them: Who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.