Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same