Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
You Might Also Like
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.