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I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement