why am I working on Labor Day
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Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.