Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.