It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
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ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.