I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
You Might Also Like
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️