Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.