After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
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WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off