I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
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Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way