Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My love language is deader than Latin

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶