8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
![]()
You Might Also Like
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
![]()
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted