8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
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I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
💀💀💀💀
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.