5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
