5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
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Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Waiting for the Charmin