Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

podcasts

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too