Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
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*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.