Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
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I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
181.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.