Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs