Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know