I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
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How to keep the seat next to you empty.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
do horses think humans are hats
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say