Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

Watermelon Boss!

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti