All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
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Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window