Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
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I have a black belt in leather
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’