If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
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Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
happy halloween
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.