you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
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I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man