Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.