Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*