Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
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godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
smartest karate player in the world
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
#Caturday
