a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
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me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
*files a restraining order against reality*
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?