Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE