Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

#milo

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.