i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
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the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.