Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
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[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Bear
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.