Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

Hey! This isn’t my car!

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

Story of my life…..

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.