Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

That lamp looks PISSED.

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..