Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.