ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
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M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
my nickname in college
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
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“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months