The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
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wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
This was my dad’s browser history.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party