Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.